January 17, 2012

An early Valentine's sentiment.

Each and every person has a deep-seated passion to love and be loved.

Love is undeniable, uncontrollable, and unbelievable.

Is love all we need?

In lieu of the upcoming Cupids holiday I wanted to share some loving wisdom that was once shared with me.

Sit tight, buckle up, and be ready to redesign your love life.

Study this slowly.

Gary Chapman is the author of the The Five Love Languages The Secret to Love That Lasts.  Right when you reach the bottom of the page grab your keys and go buy this. It will change you. Regardless of your relationship status, spirituality, or gender...go buy the book.

Gary discusses how to love someone and how to feel loved. In all new relationships the beginning is filled with magic. It's a bliss you can't explain with excitement and liveliness. The infatuation phase fades and the blissfulness turns to boredom; simultaneously someone starts to feel unloved (usually the female!). Typically the male doesn't feel like he's good enough because the female is always feeling "hurt". Statements such as "You used to bring me flowers" or "You always nag me" or "I feel like you don't love me like you used to" are said. Mutual frustration and hurt builds because the same arguments occur and nothing seems to change.

It's hard to change when you don't know how.

It's a cycle. One feels unloved, the other doesn't feel like they can ever make the other happy.  I truly believe couples or family members or even friends go years of frustration and either learn to love it or leave it. Should they choose to stay, are they happy?

Gary discusses that there are 5 love languages:

words of affirmation

quality time

receiving gifts

acts of service

physical touch

Each and every individual has their own love language.

As humans, we tend to give love the same way we feel loved. If you and yours do not speak the same love language, how are you ever going to feel loved? 

It seems like common sense but it's not what comes natural! Here's a personal example. Words mean a lot to me. I absolutely love it when I receive a nice (long) card or a note left on my car. I enjoy compliments from my husband. When he takes the time to leave a note on the kitchen counter for me it means A LOT and I feel very loved from that. However, he thinks it's silly. He enjoys nice loving notes but it's not a need like it is for me. He doesn't naturally give love through words like I do. He has to remind himself and work hard at doing that...just for the purpose of making me feel loved. We have a chalkboard in our living room. I'm always writing different messages on the board. I've slyly hinted many times that I would love to come home and see a note written on there...from him to me! Guess what? He didn't listen right away. Because it's not as valuable to him as it is to me, it doesn't come natural. Instead he will do the dishes for me, when all I wanted was a note. I focus on waiting for the note, instead of caring that he did an act of service for me. For some dang reason, him NOT writing a silly little note hurt my feelings. I walked away feeling like, "It would mean so much to me, and he just doesn't listen. He won't take the time." I never told him that, but that is what I thought.

Until yesterday. I came home to a lovely chalkboard note AND a note in the bathroom.

That meant the world to me. Because he took the time, especially when it is not what comes natural for him, it made me feel incredibly special. Learning how to love someone is incredibly powerful.

Expectations can be dangerous. I'm expecting to feel loved through words. When I don't, I feel hurt. Is that fair to him or anyone? Does that mean they don't love me? No! I've realized that many of my hurts have stemmed from expectations I put on the other person but they were never aware of such. To be honest, I wasn't even aware of the expectations until I realized I was hurt because we weren't speaking the each others love language. Likewise, I wasn't giving them or meeting their expectations. We don't do what we don't know. No wonder why I was dumped...twice.

The beauty in all this is that there is hope! Relationships take effort and healthy relationships require risks. When two people are working together to truly love each other, it's unstoppable. What I've learned is that when two people don't try and don't want to assess their love it puts them in such a vulnerable place. Hurt begins to build over things like stupid chalkboard messages; years and years of hurt is a recipe for disaster. When we are hurt, we have little desire to shower the other with love. When we feel loved all we want is to give back.

It's simple, really. Learn to love and recognize that your spouse, friend, or family member probably loves in a much different way. Learn your love language first.

The goal isn't to change your love language. The goal is to understand your own and understand your partners. Focus on how your partner feels love; don't expect reactions out of them if your speaking the wrong language to them. Shower them with love in a way that speaks to them. This will move mountains.

I'm still learning as I go. As a married couple, we are still learning. It's a constant work in progress, nevertheless, we're loving the journey.

I challenge you to gift your loved one truly in a way that speaks to them this Valentine's Day. Don't waste time gifting something YOU would enjoy. It takes thought and effort.

Thank you sweet husband of mine for your unconditional love each and every day.

Love is undeniable, uncontrollable, and unbelievable.

Happy early Valentine's day to  you.

xo, Katie



  1. I LOVE this! So glad you two are really finding your way and staying passionately in love :) my husband and I learned all of these things early on in our marriage too and I am always so happy for others who have seemed to walk along the same path... I will definitely be recommending this book to some of our friends who could really use a little lesson..hehe

  2. Thank you!! It's pretty crazy how simple things make such a difference. I think people get stuck thinking they don't need work because nothing is wrong. There doesn't have to be anything wrong to work! I'm happy for you, too! Thanks for reading :]

  3. Kate's this is very profound and wise and beautiful. And so are you. Love, Dad