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January 30, 2013

Yoga shmoga

I've been taking prenatal yoga.


Love it.


But... it comes with some....funnies.


Or funnies just seem to follow me in life...I dunno.


With ambitions to ease stress and potentially cure exhaustion I willingly attended yoga tonight.


I sat down and closed my eyes just like the calming voice in front of me instructed to do.


I couldn't focus and kept screwing up my breaths, realizing this was going to be a   L   O   N   G   hour.


Well, let's face it every time she told us to "feel the breath in our bellies" I found myself pinching my cheeks not to let one rip.


Then all I could ponder was, "I'm in a room full of preggos, I wonder who else is clenching their BH (mom's term for butt-hole) trying not to add vapors to this stuffy room? How far along are they?  Is their baby sitting on their bladder, because mine is about to explode. Didn't I JUST pee? Why does it have to be SO quiet with no music? Oh great, I forgot to put my wedding ring back on...they probably thing I'm 16 and pregnant. Wonderful. Crappppp, I just want to relax and my mind is going everywhere!"


You get the point.


Class continued, flatulence free.


Suddenly, out of NO WHERE liquid snot flooded out of my left nostril.


WHAT?


Rushed like a bloody nose, but it was clear snot.


What did I do, you say?


I had no option but to wipe it on my forearm.


I could see the clear shiny stripe of snot glowing in the candlelight.


Naturally, I tried to play it off but considering their were only 8 other women in the room, I'm pretty sure they were blinded by the glare as well.


OH WELL.


Near the end of class, its kegel time, baby.


Men and some women, allow Webster to help you:


Kegel exercise: an exercise performed by women to strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor, in order to control incontinence, improve sexual response, and diminish some discomfort in pregnancy.


In other words, squeeze your vagina muscles as tight as you can.


I think. 


Picture this. (not vagina squeezing you sickos!) Preggos sitting Indian Style with our hands on our knees.


The instructor says, "Pretend your on an elevator starting at the bottom and rising to the top, squeezing at each floor."


Huh?


Then she continues saying, "Good. Now continue going up and down the elevator for one minute."


Longest minute ever.


How did no one else want to die laughing?!?


Did they open one eye mid-squeeze, too?


Am I doing this right?


The instructor wasn't blunt enough with the instructions and just thinking of asking what the hell she means caused me to blush.


After the elevator ride we were supposed to hold for 30 seconds.


I just sat and thanked God I never passed gas.


Finally, we laid on our left side and had 10 minutes to relax.


My relaxation went like so..."Cafe Rio, Samurai Sams? Cafe Rio, Samurai Sams? Cafe Rio, Samurai Sams?"


I wiggled my toes, rolled up my mat, and soon found myself asking for extra lettuce at Cafe Rio.


Who wants to join me for pre-mama yoga next week?


big hug,



ka ka ka katie


yoga1


yoga2


3 comments

  1. Hahahaha!!! This is CLASSIC Katie!! Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, mom. Glad you appreciate my sick humor. Oh wait, I get it from YOU!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just read this from the link you put on baby and me yoga. HILARIOUS! Was it the same instructor? ;) Reminds me why I never tried prenatal yoga!!

    ReplyDelete


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