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July 9, 2013

Katie...in the raw.

a kup of RAW katie is coming right up. 

Today, I'm just writing unedited and unplanned. 

I'm a mess today, an absolute wreck. 

Being a mommy is so hard...I never knew the worry that would come with parenthood.
Don't get me wrong, people warned me, but I hadn't felt that extreme worry until the day I added "mommy" to my resume. 

Right now my sweet bundle of joy is wrapped in a delicate and ever-so-soft blanket rocking gently in her swing. Her eyes are gently shut and her lips are slightly protruding as if she's about to give a kiss; she looks like a beautiful angel all wrapped up. 

All I want to do is protect this tiny angel. Although I knew we were ready to have a baby and I KNEW it was God's plan, I sometimes still feel like a kid myself. I'm frightened for her to ever hurt, I just love her so much. I love her so much it hurts, you guys. My goals and purpose in life has rapidly yet joyfully changed. As her parents it is our job to protect her and love her. 
I'm certain I can love her. I'm afraid of not ALWAYS being able to protect her.

Mothers, how do you handle such worry?
Is this normal?

You're probably wondering where all this came from. Well, today was her scheduled day to get her routine vaccines. There are so many views and "debates" over vaccinating children. Unfortunately for me, I don't have super strong views either way. All I want is what's best for her. There is evidence on BOTH sides for what is "best" and it comes down to what we feel is right. WHOA, such a difficult decision. For a few days leading up to today it's been on my mind. However, this morning I woke up in a sheer panic. Perhaps it's the exhaustion. No, this is just part of mommy-hood; it's a first for me. 

Please don't give me your opinion either way on vaccines. I'm not reaching out for your opinion. If you have anything to offer, just give me your prayer. 

I'm not going to publicly share if we are vaccinating Ireland or not, please understand. 

It feels good to be raw.
Each day I think I can't love my girl any more and then somehow the next day I do. 
These choices are difficult BECAUSE I love her and to be honest, I wouldn't trade this for the world. 
No exhaustion, confusion, or worry can or will make me regret being a mommy. 
It is the most beautiful thing God ever created. 
I'm ever so thankful for the protective seed and I'm even more thankful for the loving seed. 
This is overwhelming, in the most fulfilling way.

The blessing and lesson in all of this is trust. 
I love a God who is so much stronger than this scary world. 
It's hard to surrender my worry but I can't do this on my own. 
I need to teach iiley how to handle fear and worry just like my mommy STILL teaches me. 
In fact she's been on the phone with me all morning coaching and listening to my hurt. 
And you know what? 
It all comes down to trust.

I know my worry will never disappear but I look forward to learning to manage it. 
Thanks for letting me be in the raw this emotional morning. 
I'm learning and growing more than I ever expected and I'm happy to share it with you.

:]

4 comments

  1. I really love and respect your honesty about having worry as a mother because I lay awake at night worrying about the baby that is 100% healthy inside of me and I wonder, if I worry this much now, what will it be like when he is a boy, away from his mama's protection, getting hurt, getting into trouble. I will pray for peace for you!!

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  2. aw girl. I remember going through that. I think its part new mommy hormones and part insane love for your child. It is completely normal. Being a mom is definitely the scariest but most beautiful job in the world. We love them more than we ever knew possible, and the world seems like such a big scary place. But as they grow, it does get a little easier. I just try and trust that God's hands are the safest place for my boys! :) Love & Prayers!

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  3. Worrying is definitely part of being a Mother. A good Mother. Prayers for you. <3

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