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August 10, 2013

The beautiful gift of motherhood.

God has blessed me with the transforming treasure I call...motherhood. 
Through tearful eyes I sit in absolute awe of motherhood. 
I'm searching for lyrical words to describe my feelings yet coming up short. 
Hang with me, this is worth reading. 

Hints of sleepiness from my little offspring led me to swaddle and prepare to lay her down for a nap, a usual and routine occurrence. 
With the implementation of sleep training when Ireland is tired, she will lay down and fall asleep without being rocked or soothed. She is learning to put herself to sleep, which is GREAT! 
As of now she goes to bed happy and wakes up happy...most of the time. 
(and she still gets LOTS of cuddle time!)
She didn't need to be rocked to sleep this morning, but I WANTED to hold her...

I've struggled with guilt and worthiness my whole life but now as a mom, guilt is on a whole new level. I feel guilty for being excited she finally falls asleep or guilty that I need a "break". I feel guilty for being blessed with a child when so many others struggle. How did I get so lucky? I struggle feeling worthy enough to be so blessed...I have moments that contradict each other; frustration vs. joy. 
Being a parent is scary. 
I constantly wish and hope I'm doing enough...and doing it well. 
It's the hardest job I've ever known.

Yet...

As I held her tight against my body I instantly didn't care about needing to reheat my coffee or the tiring efforts of motherhood. I didn't care about the spit up crusted to my hair or the poop splattered on the wall. I didn't care about the sink full of dishes or the dirty car with old tupperware left inside. I didn't mind the missed workout OR the leftover stretch marks that will forever sit comfortably across my tummy. I didn't mind the gift card spent on baby stuff rather than a new outfit. I didn't mind my aches and pains still remaining from pregnancy and delivery. I didn't mind the purple bags that shout to the whole world...I'm exhausted. 

I sat caring about NOTHING besides this sweet angel heavy-eyed on my chest. 

Life has changed for me, dramatically.
Yet, I've never, ever, felt this much purpose to my life. 
I've been called to report for duty and there is no job I'd rather do.
 God has blessed me with the transforming treasure I call...motherhood. 

 Her blue eyes met mine and she gently smiled. Her recently curling eyelashes batted as her gaze remained fixed on mine. No words yet I felt deep within my bones that this little miracle LOVES me. She doesn't care about my unbrushed teeth or jagged toenails. This small 12-pound bundle of godsend undeniably and unconditionally loves me. 
She loves me! 
It's as if she was telling me, "It's okay that you need a break, mommy. Don't feel guilty, I KNOW you love me. You're my favorite person in the whole wide world."
How does a newborn have the ability to do this?
Do you understand why I'm finding words difficult? 
There are no words to describe how staggering this feels. 
It's a joy I've never felt, a never never land I never knew existed. 
Being Ireland's mother is altering my purpose of this earthly life all the way from my toes to my top of my 5 foot stature.

 In this moment the book "I'll Love You Forever" made total sense. 
As I rocked her back and forth, back and forth, I told her I would love her FOREVER. 
I'll shout it from the tallest mountain because there is NOTHING that will ever make my love for her vanish. 
I stared at her. I still can't believe this beautiful innocent little darling is mine and my loves. 
The curve of her nose, the teeny blue veins across her temple, her glowing chubby cheeks and peachy red lips, I relaxed in wonder. 
To me, she is the most beautiful artwork, the calmest seas, and the most delicious dessert. 
She is mine and I will love her forever. 

God has blessed me with the transforming treasure I call...motherhood. 
And that my friends, is forever enough for me. 

PS: To all mothers, let's slap guilt in the face. We are so worthy. We are heroes to our little ones, now let's believe it. 
<3

2 comments

  1. Wow...you are a beautiful writer!! I'm not a mom but I loved this post!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. So beautiful! You're right, you are her favorite person in the world!

    ReplyDelete


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