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November 18, 2013

Thought provoking, perhaps?

Today is one of those days that I'm praying Ireland takes a nap so I can write. 
I can't write, or in this case, type fast enough. 

I felt like I had so much to say earlier on my walk. Sentence after sentence was forming in my brain so easily, so quickly. Now a moment of silence and my brain just seems mushy, causing difficulty in the realm of creativity. 

I'll give it a swing though, so hang on because my moment of silence is about to shift to a moment of honesty. 

I woke up frustrated. I stepped on the scale and had gained two pounds. The same two pounds that haunted me last week. I was certain it would be lower, and well, it sure WASN'T. 
Sounds ridiculous, and your exactly right, IT IS!

I was about to let TWO POUNDS ruin my Monday. Of all the crisis and chaos in the world, how dare I shamefully find disappointment over such stupidity. 

It bothered me that it bothered me. 

What's wrong with us ladies sometimes? Why are we so focused on the things that are so silly, so minute, and so false? Today and most days I'm guilty of all things superficial. And that, brings such darkness to my soul, my home. 

Feeling frustrated and somewhat sad, I chose otherwise. I strapped on my running shoes and got the hell out of the house. I picked a new spot to walk, not run, and promised myself I'd start over. I shuffled through several Pandora stations, none that were curing my thoughts. Until I landed on Chris Rice. Song after song was worship and praise. It was as if the prince had just rescued the princess from the castle. The birds were singing, the mountains appeared taller, and the sun caused the fallen leaves to sparkle. The scenery didn't magically change, but, I had. I had been rescued. 

Why?

I stopped thinking of myself, and focused my thoughts on God, the creator of LIFE. Who can add that to their resume? Tears literally filled my eyes as I strolled pushing my daughter, my gift, each step. Words such as peace, love, forgiveness consumed me. The holy spirit was so alive and MOVING in me. A bit unexpected for such a normal Monday. 

It was such a spiritual moment that I can't help but share. Not because I want to boast but because I want YOU, yes YOU, to allow time for Jesus to speak to you. Why do we crave the things that aren't good for us? Why do we hide from our insecurities and wear masks in front of others? Why do we care so much about ourselves and less about others? We do we show resistance to spirituality?

I felt like God was waiting for me to turn his music on, but, I willingly passed by it time after time. He'd been knocking for so long, and when I finally opened the door, I began to feel with tenderness again. I felt all the things I wanted to feel. Why was I so resistant?  

All in one simple walk. 

It made me think of so much. Think of envy. What do you envy? I usually envy the girls with skinny legs, trendy clothes, and gorgeous white teeth. But do you know what I envy even more than that? The girls with heart. The girls that breath in life and exhale happiness and joy. They are the most beautiful to me, because they consume themselves with positive words. They love to love others and I crave their spirit. They speak with peace, wellness, and honesty. They struggle too, and share it. They allow God in and it touches me, pushes me. So rather than feel hungry for that same spirit, I WILL consume those same choices. Feeling less thirsty for what others have and becoming what I want. With just a few thoughts? Yes. 

You still with me? 

Good. 

As my baby was sleeping, each step was filled with a new thought, fast and random. When I leave this earth, what will my legacy be for my children? 

I assembled a quick list, in my head right there under the trees. 

I want to be known as a forgiver, confessor, giver. I want to know I used this blog, my life, my relationships to breathe honest thoughts and push others to let God in. I'm close to so many that don't give Jesus a chance and I just WISH and pray that like me, they would open their door. What is there to lose? I'm a Christian, which places me no better than the unbeliever next door. Yet, life is so much more abundant when you allow peace and love to control it. I'm just as desperate and forever will be. I'm so thankful that TODAY I allowed these quiet moments to speak so violently loud. It's a great lesson for myself, one I hope to model for my daughter. 

At the end of my walk I laid a blanket out on the grass and held my baby. Together we listened to praise music, not a care in a world. I paid attention to the dimple on her face, the curve of her eyebrow, and the toothless smile she couldn't resist. Again, tears shed in the park, under the trees, as I realized how blessed I really am. We are all blessed, but are we actively and daily allowing ourselves to feel blessed? 

It made me realize how powerful these peaceful moments with her are. Imagine if I did this with her every week for the next 18 years. I'm her mother, her protecter, her teacher. Am I a teacher of peace? A teacher of love? A teacher of forgiveness? A teacher of stillness? A teacher of thankfulness? A teacher of selflessness? A teacher of all the fruits of the spirit?

Being a mom, her mom, makes me better. My relationship with Jesus shows me how. 

Today, I am radiant. 

Are you?








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