July 31, 2015

Positive Focus

Disclaimer: This was written a few weeks ago!

Here I sit on my apartment floor in granny pantie undies that I won as a gag gift at a bachelorette party, no joke. I want to drink an entire bottle of wine but I went for the smooth move tea instead. Don’t judge, you turds. No pun intended. I’m self soothing with poop tea and reeses…WTF is wrong with me?! My eyes are as puffy as cumulus clouds and my hair has that fabulous wet dog look. Oh! And I have a zit on the end of my nose that Ireland told me I need to go to the doctor to fix it. Winner winner chicken dinner! Not.

It’s only fair to show you all sides of divorce. This is the messy, painful, do I REALLLLLLY need to talk about this side. This is side that says, OUCH. I wish it was as simple as my mom kissing my owie to make it all better.

Let’s not argue with reality here, though.
This fucking sucks.

I’m writing this because I’m certain you or someone you know will at some point be in the same place. When they (or you) are struggling, send them here. Truly, that is why. I'd much rather just keep these moments to myself but there is a nudge saying Katie SHARE...for others. Woof.

YOU, yes YOU, are not alone.

Tomorrow is transition day. Ireland goes back to MVP. In the summertime we are one week on, one week off. We split 50/50 custody. It’s beautiful that she has a loving dad. It sucks giving her up. You know (one thing) I’ve really been struggling with though? I feel like I live two completely different lives. One week exhausted single mom and one week just Katie. AND a COMPLETE different life than the one I was in a year ago. It’s like God said, “alright miss sassy pants…I love you, but, BUCKLE UP because you are about to race into completely new and unknown territory. Oh, and you’ll be in last place, too. But Child, I've got you in the palm of my hand.” I’m sure God doesn’t talk like that.

Or does he?!

I sat rocking Ireland before bed, singing Jesus Loves You through a shaky voice. I was missing her already yet feeling guilty for all the moments I felt like I was going to lose my mind. (Like when she hit me and cracked a raw egg on the floor!).  You know when you’re trying not to cry and you get the ugly-face-lip-quiver-wrinkly-chin face? I failed because tears streamed all the way from my eyes, past my lips, down my freaking neck to the top of her head. I did everything in my power NOT to let her know I was sad because when she sees me cry she says, “mommy sad? Mommy heart hurt?”. Then she kisses my heart to make it feel better.

Yeah, I know. Total mess over here, too.

When we prayed I asked her who she was thankful for and she pointed at me and said, “YOU!”.

Right when you think you are failing or falling apart, you’re not.

She has no idea that her sweet little voice was music to my soul. Deeper than any hurt, any insecurity, or any impatient moment. Ireland, you amaze me.

I don’t really know how to describe the difficulty in letting your baby go. Or the guilt that comes with the relief that you feel because you know a break is around the corner. Single parenting is not for the weak. Parenting in general is challenging but doing this completely alone is a whole different ball game. I miss the help. And I miss having someone to laugh with when she poops in the tub or points to the NOT pregnant person and says “mama, baby in her belly”. Gulp. Life isn’t meant to be alone. Or without your kids.

I’m growing, but I’m also pretty tender.

Now now. Here’s the juicy stuff. Here is where the growth happens. So if you’re in need of this message...LISTEN. If you’re hurting or find yourself desperate for hope…listen…I’m talking to YOU.

These moments are inevitable. They HURT. They are so painful and so draining…TRUST ME, I get it. If you saw what I looked like RIGHT now, you would see a really raw, fresh wound. It’s not pretty. Yet I refuse to let this pass without purpose.

A dear person taught me how to do a positive focus. I’m told to do them every day but ALWAYS after a storm, like tonight. Any time you have a hurtful or stressful moment…practice these 4 steps.

Positive focus exercise:

1. Choose a challenging or difficult experience from the day
2. Extract one positive take from it (usually the hardest step!)
3. Ask yourself, what can you learn?
4. How could you teach it to someone else?

Write it down. Date it. And do it again and again.

I can’t even tell you how many lost lessons exist because we don’t take time to see the pain as purposeful, especially in the heat of the moment. What a shame!

The same dear friend says, “stay as long as you need to, but not longer than you have to”. 

Profound, right?

Do the positive focus. It will redirect your thoughts and feelings and provide a foundation for GROWTH. Choose the path with purpose, for a purpose.

Remember…you may feel broken…but you’re not. You CAN do this.

You’ve got this!

And pray. God has a crazy plan for your story, your life, your abundance. Talk to him...he's already holding you.

Congrats! You made it to the bottom of the post.
Hugs to you, from me.

ps: I’d recommend the wine over the smooth move. Just sayin’.


  1. I have felt that pain and still do
    stay strong and keep the faith

  2. I have felt that pain and still do
    stay strong and keep the faith

  3. I just stumbled across your blog recently and love it! Thank you for your posts. They are inspiring.

  4. Your words are incredible. This pain is really, really hard. But you are SO right... take the positives out of every situation. What a great perspective!

  5. Ive read your blog for years and never commented. Keep your chin up and keep doing whatever you're doing. I have never been married but was in a long term live-in relationship that ended last year and that was heartbreaking to say the very least - so while I cant fully grasp what you're going through I can almost feel the tangible pain you must be feeling and yet - your words are so inspiring. All of that to say - If I ever am in that position again or in your position, I can only hope to walk through it with such grace.