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June 17, 2016

External Vs. Internal WAR!

Let’s forget the foreplay today and go straight it, shall we? 

HA! Knew that would catch your attention. 

Greetings, my bright stars, from San Sebastian, Spain. Can I first just start with saying THANK YOU? If you’re reading this, thank you. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Not the vacation journey, just this LIFE adventure. If you’re new around this block, you are MOST welcome. I greet you with a fat hug and maybe even TWO cheek kisses. That’s facial cheeks, by the way. 

Life is nutty, right? It’s one big fat lesson. IT’S AWESOME. 

If you’re here, I’m going to let you in on a wee bit of ME-perhaps you should u-turn NOW! 

I sometimes think vulnerability is my curse, scratch that, ugh…GIFT! It’s often when I can’t sleep, think of nothing else, and can’t run from it any longer that brings me straight to my keyboard. So here I sit in Spain, heart wide open, after just researching and studying everything from core wounds, neuro-linguistics, and validation patterns. I mean…there has been an earthquake-sized paradigm shift in my life and the only thing that scares me is going backwards. 

I can’t help but go WHOA—what the hell has happened to me? And then I giggle knowing exactly what happened and how thankful I am for my story. It’s really a continuously evolving journey. Hands are up, sugar plum, full surrender this wild child is!

CRAP! I think I went against my own “going straight for it” rules. I yiyi. Okay…cue the music, let’s get it on. 

External vs. Internal. 

That’s our topic today. You in?

EXCELLENT CHOICE!

This has smacked me in the face like a freaking bullet. (I can only say that because, well, I know what that ACTUALLY feels like-true story!). 

Here’s the truth, I’ve realized some areas in my life that internally I’m GOLDEN…you know A+ kind of work. (yay!)

…and some areas that make me a bit uncomfortable…you know…C (orrrrr maybe D) kind of work. 

GULP.

Yep. Let’s just gulp one more time because I just got clammy all of a sudden.

We are going to talk about those D’s! (that’s what she said) I’ve been “awakened”, if you may, to some areas and patterns in my life that don’t serve me well. 

SIDE NOTE —>  we ALL know the overall goal is to feel good. You can’t feel good when you’re creating/thinking/doing in ways that don’t bring rainbows and butterflies to your core. Sounds hokey…I get it. BUT IT’S TRUE. 

In a nutshell, I realized, in certain areas, I relied (yuck!) on the external world to validate me. 

While it’s a little daunting to admit that, I’m totally cool with it. It’s life, it’s human behavior, it’s being raw-and I dig rawness. 

You see, the battle between internal-self-validation and external-self-validation has been a fiery one. 

I started recognizing THOUGHTS-conflicting thoughts. Thoughts that were more focused externally. A few great conversations and a large dose of bravery to STARE at those thoughts helped me understand it, gracefully. 

I noticed areas in my life I was lacking confidence, security, calmness. I was literally afraid. I was chasing, feeling less-than, and SEEKING and SEEKING. A really disastrous hustle, actually. 

I love myself ENOUGH to say it was time to YIELD. Yielding is one of the healthiest things we can do. Yielding + bravery + grace = a killer combo. WRITE THAT SHIT DOWN.

Sharing it makes me take two double shots of courage. WHY? Because the external, and only external, cares what YOU are thinking on the other side. You see, my human flesh is always going to want external “they think I'm good, so I’m good” type voices. It’s always going to lurk in my dark corners. 

That’s just a trap, tribe. Today, I choose BETTER for myself, and I choose courage, which turns on my creative juices, feminine energy, and my badass bones. It feels so much better on this side!

So here’s a breakdown. Often, as humans, we tend to look for the external to fill our internal needs. Reread that.

Let’s go deeper to understand better. Hang with me, okay? Pretend we are having a face-to-face conversation. As you read, I want you to pay attention to the tension in your body you may feel. It’s VALUABLE to your soul work because that is where you DO the work. (and you wouldn’t have found yourself reading this if you didn’t crave some soul work!)

External Validation Notes:

-I am only okay if you are okay
-constantly asking for opinions of others
-looking for security and safety in relationships
-seeking approval and self-esteem through compliments, comments, likes, or looks from men/women
-seeking love to feel “whole” or “complete” or “pretty” or “worthy of love”
-waiting for permission for something
-worth comes from your income, title, weight, and relationships
-waiting to be told you are qualified
-avoiding challenges rather than learning from mistakes
-need to feel popular, busy, or accepted
-feel like life is “happening to you”/victim mentality
-lack of hope
-subconsciously asking the world to “tell you who you are”
-feeling sorry for yourself
-saying “I felt” rather than “I did”

We seek it externally, to feel safe. NEWSFLASH! Being needy doesn’t get our needs met. 

If the external world gives us our meaning, we are diminishing our own confidence, self-acceptance, and purpose. We are in constant chasing, waiting, proving, and striving. 

No really, think about this. I urge you to be willing to look at some uncomfortable areas. These happen unconsciously. I dare you to bring it above ground. 

Take an inventory on the following:

Relationships
Spirituality
Mental health
Health and Physical wellness 
Body image
Finances
Self-Esteem
Job Security
Intentions and motives 

I ask you, what areas are you the most insecure about? THAT is where you do the work. That is your D- work. YEP. I said it. That is the area that you are unconsciously SEEKING external validation for. 

Well, now you are conscious of it so what are you going to do? 

Let me let you in on a secret…JUST by being aware of your patterns, you begin to ACT and THINK with more intention. At the start of every day ASK yourself the why behind everything you are doing…be open to hearing them.

And then…

You stop. 

Stop asking your husband if you look good…it’s not his JOB to make you feel good about you. Just do what you need to do to feel HOTT and he will respond…organically! (I wish I learned this when I was married…ask my ex…I wasn’t good at this! gulp.) 

LISTEN! When you begin the journey of doing what you need to do to be independently HAPPY (which means you take control and start working on the INSIDE) life not only becomes easier, but more and more abundant. You make wiser choices, live in less consequence, and have more clarity over what serves you and what doesn’t. You devoid yourself of all guarantees, which is both frightening and liberating at the same time. I urge you to embrace ALL of the layers, corners, and discomfort. 

You say yes to cleaning and washing out some wounds. You forgive. You approach this with tenderness, NOT shame. You thank yourself for desiring more joy. 

You reach out. Hire a coach. Go to counseling. Detox from patterns. Have conversations with like-minded people. Join a group. Read books. Attend a retreat. Do what scares you. Pray a lot. Laugh along the way. Do ANYTHING other than distract. 

Here’s something that hit home for me. The desire for internal safety, love, confidence, and wellness far EXCEEDS the fleeting and debilitating focus on the outside world. You shift your focus THERE—and your motivation to focus inward comes with ease. It’s literally shoving FEAR out of the driver seat, guiding you towards magnified radiance. 

Guess what? You have power. And grace. and love. and freedom. You still have bad days, a bruised heart, and unrealistic expectations, but, you OWN your life. 

You un-attach from the opinions of the world because you already know your worth. And let me tell you, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

You can look at your yuck and still celebrate your story. You’re not as afraid, far more confident, and attract wholehearted authentic people in your circle. 

It’s called being real—and lifting yourself to be your BEST self. 

You, on the other side of this screen, deserve nothing less. 

Go save YOURSELF from the misery of external-validation. 

And have grace. We are all in this dance together! 

Lastly, remember who are you. 


You are purpose, dear lover. 

1 comment

  1. nice post, thank you for sharing this. my opinion is consider nothing else, and can't keep running from it any more that conveys me straight to my console. So here I sit in Spain, heart totally open, after simply inquiring about and considering everything from center injuries, neuron-phonetics, and acceptance designs.I'm working in out of home advertising I mean… there has been a seismic tremor measured outlook change in my life and the main thing that alarms me is going in reverse.

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